08.26.09


My little sister got married on August 13th. I really can't believe it. I am so happy for her and I love her husband, Jake. Such a great match. However, it's also making me realize how lonely I am. When Matt and I were together none of my girl friends were in relationships and now a majority of them are. Sometimes it makes me even miss Matt. That's how I know I am lonely. I've tried my time with some new guys but nothing seems to be working. Maybe the problem is that I am looking at all.

I finally got my license in the mail. Now it is time to look for a job which I am not really looking forward too at all. I've been so stressed lately with money I can't imagine trying to find a job that doesn't guarantee me hours.

07.08.09

Things have been going pretty well lately in my life. I have been expanding my friends and meeting some amazing people. This past weekend was one of the best I have had all year long. The only thing to complain about is my closest friends being in relationships and me not. When I had a boyfriend they were all single and now I am once again the odd man out. I have met a few guys but sometimes I think I just tell myself I like them more as a friend just so it can be done. That is definitely not how I want to go about it. Time will get me there, I just need to learn more patience.

On a bad note, it turns out I have to take my practical exam for school through the state even though I took it through the school. That's another 87 dollars and then I will have to RENEW my barely received license in September. It's so fucking stupid and makes me not want to do it anymore.

On another good note, my little sister, Vanessa, is getting married August 13th. I saw her in her wedding gown for the first time a few weekends ago and she looked absolutely gorgeous. I am so happy for her!

I have been wanting to move out of my parents house too. I was talking to my cousin Lindsay and her bf Andy, whom I lived with back in 2006, but it just doesn't seem to be working. I did talk to Megan. Our friend Miranda is moving out of their house and she offered me the room. I think if I play my cards right and watch after my money spending better I could totally do it.

Hopefully, I can get my license, get another job and finally start my career. Growing up is so much work but I am kinda looking forward to it.

Short lived.

06.15.09

This weekend was the most drama filled I think I have ever had in my whole life. Friday night I received texts of absurd accusations. If I believed all the stories I have heard through the grape vines the past few years I wouldn't have a majority of the people I know in my life. It continued on until Sunday. Things are getting facebooked, myspaced, and twittered. It is absolutely ridiculous.

On Saturday a close friends brother passed. He died over an overdose. My heart aches for her. It is so upsetting and I just want to hug her to try to make everything feel okay. I slightly know what this pain feels like. My cousin was found dead in 2003 and then in 2005 another friend was found dead as well. All from heroin. Still, I don't know what to say to her. My heart goes out to her and her family. It does make me realize that this petty drama I have currently in countered is beyond stupid. I have so much more to deal with then this drama. Life is much to short to be defending myself or being caught up in the saga.

On a good note, this crap of a weather we've had the past 2 weeks is supposedly over soon. This has been the worst summer weather ever! I am ready for the sunshine and warmth!

Friendships

06.04.09

I know I have done some things to make my friendships a bit sticky but I am at the point where I think the best friends I had a month ago won't ever go back to the way they used to be. I am constantly walking on eggshells and I find myself just sitting on the sidelines, listening to the new inside jokes or stories of previous nights that I knew nothing about. It's a pretty shitty feeling when you find out all of your friends have been hanging out and you hadn't been invited by even one of them. I am at to the point where I don't know what to do. I start to think they seem a lot happier with me not around. I don't know what to do anymore.


I don't think I can afford to move out of state for awhile. Until I get a much better paying job that I can pay rent and a car payment. I think instead I will just travel more. I have Brandon in California, Jes in Idaho, Britta and Eden in New York, and for a really big trip I can go see Alexz in England! How fantastic would that be?

I really want to start pilates next week with my sister. All my friends that say they want to do it keep bailing out. I need to get in shape, especially for Vanessa's wedding. Time to be healthy.

Matthew Followill

Please, marry me?

Bunny.

06.03.09

My soul mate left SLC for LA to pursue his band www.myspace.com/kidtheodore
I know he has to do it, but damn I hate that California is the place to go. I tried not to cry but the tears came. He said some really sweet things to me which made me love him even more and made it even harder to say good bye. I've been told to come with but, I just can't afford California. I have a car payment here, and the economy is so bad in Cali. and, I just don't know how to save money. I need to work on that.

Things are still stressful in the "best friends" categories. I am constantly walking on eggshells and I just feel unwelcome a majority of the time. I find myself not involved in conversations, jokes, or even really part of the hang out. Sometimes I think I should just stop trying to hang out, stop calling/texting, and wait till they are ready to be my friend again.

Jessica Moser.

5.28.09

Jessica and I have only been friends since about the beginning of this year and she made such an impact on my life. I feel so blessed to have made such a wonderful friend. She is the only person I am able to be my loud, obnoxious self with and she was always here for me when I was going through shit. I am really upset that she is moving back to Boise but luckily that is only about a 4 1/2 hour drive from SLC. She is such an amazing person and Imma miss her like crazy till I get to see her cute face again. I love you Jes.

Birth.

05.20.09

Life has been really good lately. The weather is finally warm and summer is just around the corner. I had my birthday party on the 16th. Lyuba and I were Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. So fuckin' tender. It was quite the party. I have wonderful friends for hosting it for me.

I have been talking to Matt lately. The only person I really talk to about him is Lyuba. She seems to be the only one that understands. He is doing so much better and really seems to be maturing and becoming a better person. We went on a motorcycle ride on Monday. It was a beautiful ride. I am glad we have come around to where we can hopefully one day be friends. Baby steps. No matter what I will always have a place for him in my heart. We just weren't meant for each other.

Chris, Cody, Ashley, and I are leaving to Sasquatch tomorrow night. I am so excited. We will be there on my birthday which should be just a fantastic time.

In other news, Jes AND Brandon are moving in about a week. I am going to miss Jes so much. She is the girl I get to be loud with and she has become such a good friend these past few months.
As for Brandon, I am pretty close to devestated that he is leaving to California. I know he has to do it and atleast I have a reason to go to the sunshine state now. But still, he is my Bunny and I'm going to miss him like crazy.

May Time.

5.11.09

Things have been pretty up and down still lately but, despite all of it I am really happy.

Go me.

Jennica and I are having a joint birthday party this Saturday.
Our theme is "Disney".
Lyuba and I came up with something great for us and I can hardly wait.

Chris had a keg for a fundraiser for Operation Smile.
He raised around 200 bucks.
It feels great to know we have helped someone.

Born To Make You Happy.

05.06.09

Things lately with some friends have been really stressful and not well.
I thank God that I have Shannon and Lyuba in my life.

They are the two girls that get me and understand my actions and
everything going on in my life. I love them and don't know what I would
do with out them.


I am happy.
I get my license soon in the mail and I can finally attempt to get a job
in aesthetics. Things are definitely looking up.

Life throws curve balls.

5.4.09

Life has been kind of crazy lately. Seeing Matt was one of the hardest things I have done since we broke up. I am glad it happened.
A few friends, that I considered best friends, aren't on the same page in life as I am. Since Matt and I broke up I have gone through some rough, crazy, wild stints. I can't really apologize for it because things just happen sometimes. I've been going out a lot more then I did and par taking in drinking a lot more but a majority of my friends do this as well. We all party too much. I think a lot of us are scared to actually grow up. I know I am. However, I finally went and paid for license in Aesthetics. It should be arriving in a few weeks in the mail. I am pretty happy with myself that I finally took that step into adult hood. This past week has really showed me who my true friends are. Who can stick through the really thin and the really fucking thick. I don't have a best friend that is just mine but, I can say that Lyuba is the one person I can and do confide too when ever something is going on. She helps me keep my head on my shoulders.

Cinco De Mayo is tomorrow. I am really stoked. This is the holiday I look forward to celebrating with Lyuba, Elina, Shannon and Amy. Things are looking up.

Healing Heart

He came to my work yesterday.
I wished him a happy birthday through a text and he responded with a thank you and it meant a lot to him. I was terrified to see him. I didn't know what I would do or say. I thought my heart was going to stop from racing so fast or burst from my body.
We hugged for about 5 minutes. It felt so nice. We caught up on each others lives. We both apologized for the way we treated each other. We still love and care about each other and wish we could be together and be happy but, we know that we aren't healthy for one another.
As painful as it was it was so wonderful. My heart still aches for him but I think now it might be easier to let go. I will always love him, unconditionally. He was my first true love.
We ended on such a bad note that it feels good to hear him tell him he loved and still loves me. It is still going to be hard but, I feel so much better about everything. Through that one year we dated we had the lowest of low times and the highest of highs. I would give anything to go back and change how we treated each other. Maybe we can be together in the next life when we are cats. :)

Over it.

I am really over drama that people have. I know, I have my own but I am ready to move on and get over it. I am trying to enjoy each day of my life and get along with everyone I meet.

If you don't like how I act as a person then don't hang out with me. If you don't like how I act when I've been drinking then don't hang out with me. I know that I can be a lot to handle but if you can't or don't want to handle it then... DON'T.

I am to the point in my life where I am not going to please everyone to make them like me. I am going to be how I am. I don't care if you don't like that person.

I am also really sick of people who judge me (or even someone else) from stories they have heard. Make your own fucking opinion about someone. I am totally guilty of not taking the time to know someone because of something a friend has told me. And then, when I get to know that person I usually end up liking them. From now on I am not going to judge anybody until I get to know them to form my own opinion.



I really, really, really want to get the fuck out of Utah.
I have absolutely nothing to stay for.
I need a break from this life and try something new and I know if I stay in Utah that just can't happen. I don't know where I would go, who I would go with, if I could do it on my own, but I need to leave.

What's she got that I don't have?

I can't stop thinking about you lately.

I need closure.

Not a Tumblr fan.

So, I have a drinking blog and now I have a normal blog to post my thoughts etc.